


Who Had Sex In The Basement?

by pidgance



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, House Party, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-11
Updated: 2016-08-28
Packaged: 2018-04-20 05:56:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4776176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pidgance/pseuds/pidgance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean throws a house party. Someone has sex in his basement. Armin gets drunk. Chaos ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

The loud thrumming of the bass line in whatever hit dance number the song playing was sent Armin into a dizzy spiral. Desperately he searched for paper, determined to make a note, as any mental note he made surely wouldn't be remembered in the morning, to never trust Annie Leonhardt and alcohol and creepy basements ever again.

It was after he had been stumbling hopelessly around the bottom floor of his friend's house for what felt like a good half an hour that he eventually arrived at the set of stairs that ascended to the second floor of said house. Armin took them at one per minute. When he eventually reached the upper floor, without falling backwards and toppling down the steps surprisingly, he fell through the first door he could find.

Through the door he found what appeared to small gathering amidst the slightly larger gathering that was going on around him. Within said group appeared to be the majority of his friends.

“Armin...?” Jean said with worry hinting in his voice.

The smaller blonde tripped over the threshold, face first into the soft carpet of, what appeared to be, Jeans bedroom's floor.

“Someone's wrecked,” laughed Reiner, who was without a shirt for some reason that no-one really knew.

It was Mikasa who actually bothered clambering to her feet and rushing to his side, her slim fingers clasping around his arm as she pulled him off of the floor and up onto his feet. A mixture of what seemed to be a giggle and a hiccup escaped Armin's lips as Mikasa's concerned grey eyes examined his flushed face.

“You reek,” she stated before tugging him with her to the circle they had all been gathered in.

Armin was planted on his ass beside his friends, head tugged down into the black haired girl's lap as she tangled her fingers into the blonde locks on the back of his head. Jean stared at them from across the circle, eyebrows raised. He felt Eren, on the other side of him, pat his leg reassuringly.

“Where were we?” Mikasa asked in the dead serious tone she'd picked up from spending too much time with her uncle.

“Ymir and Historia are still in the closet,” Eren yawned, sounding positively bored out of his mind.

“Hasn't it been over seven minutes?” Marco said what they were all thinking as he scratched at the back of his neck.

Not entirely sure why, but Armin found Marco's statement positively hilarious and found himself submersed in a massive giggle fit. All eyes on him for the time being as he rolled over and snorted into Mikasa's lap. Her hand gripped into his hair tighter.

“Damn Jean bet you wish you were Armin right now,” Connie jested from a few places down the circle.

“Armin's not a pervert unlike horse-face over there though,” Eren replied.

Sasha now joined Armin in his giggling. An audible sigh came from the girl upon which his head was resting. He pushed his palms into the carpet, until he eventually manoeuvred himself into a kneeling position.

“Jeez what the fuck is going on?” Ymir asked, as the door in the far right corner of the room burst open to reveal her, messy haired and face covered in pink lipstick.

Historia emerged behind her, lipstick smeared.

“Armin's completely wasted,” Sasha snorted in between giggles.

Ymir raised her eyebrows as she buttoned an undone shirt fastening.

“He's usually so careful,” Historia hummed as she sat herself down beside Bertholdt.

“Yeah,” Mikasa mumbled, “How did you get so..?”

She didn't have to finish her sentence for Armin to start giggling and begin his attempt to recite what had happened to cause him to be so out of it.

“Well I was downstairs and Eren had just gone to the bathroom,” he told them, turning to stare at Eren as if expecting him to confirmed that he had in fact gone to the bathroom, his best friend just shrugged, “So Eren was doing whatever,” he wiggled his hand, “And Annie came up to be holding two cups and she offered me one-”

“And you accepted...?” Jean said unimpressed.

“Yeah,” Armin replied with a shrug before continuing his tale, “At first I declined, I don't drink, I hate alcohol. It's,” he proceeded to make fake vomiting noises, “So she shrugged and left it on this dresser thing and she looked at me all moody. You know how she looks all moody,” the room mumbled in agreement, “Yeah, like that, and she said to me, 'There's something I need to show you. Meet me in the kitchen in five minutes.' And she walked away and I was curious, who wouldn't be.”

He paused, quite suddenly, leaving everyone in the circle staring at him worriedly. Marco yelped when the sneeze erupted from the young boy's nose. Everyone else visibly appeared to loosen their posture.

“So I was curious about two things. What was in the cup and what she wanted to show me.”

“And?” Ymir scoffed, obviously not as interested in Armin's story as everyone else.

“Turns out in the cup was a mix of vodka and cider and she wanted to show me where two people had obviously had sex in the basment. Then she called me a pussy and made me down nearly half a bottle of vodka,” Armin concluded.

The whole room went quiet, all but the thumping of music echoing around downstairs.

“Jesus fucking christ Armin how haven't you thrown up?” Connie half-shouted from where he sat.

Beside him Mikasa shifted before rising to her feet. She stared down everyone in the circle before her eyes landed on Armin. The palm of her hand connected with his forehead as she shoved him backwards into Eren's lap, the green eyed boy grabbing him by the shoulders before a fatal collision occurred.

“Hold onto my child until I return,” she ordered with all sincerity.

“Where are you going?” Eren asked, his hands gripping his smaller friend in place.

“To find Annie,” she replied as she turned to exit the room, turning to add one more thing, “Feel free to continue your game. I may be gone a while.”

It was once she was well out of the room that someone else finally spoke. It was Jean.

“I can't believe someone had sex in my basement,” he croaked.

“Are you sure in hadn't just been you jacking off whilst crying because Mikasa will never love you?” Sasha muttered behind the back of her hand.

Just before a glaring war that could possibly last for hours started up Marco interrupted.

“How about someone spins the bottle!” he chirped, moving himself into Jean's view before he could make eye-contact with Sasha.

Reiner leapt to his feet.

“Leave this to daddy!” he yelled before grabbing a hold of the bottle which Armin only just noticed was carefully placed in the centre of the circle.

Bertholdt facepalmed and his friend, who was wearing neither shoes nor socks as well as a shirt, half threw and half spun the bottle. Armin was amazed his grip alone didn't shatter it.

“I hope it lands of Jean,” Connie stage whispered to Sasha who nodded in agreement.

An involuntary snort left Armin's nose and Eren shot him a confused glance.

After about five minutes the bottle stopped spinning. It pointed directly at Reiner. Someone coughed awkwardly.

“Does this mean we shut Reiner in the closet for seven minutes of his own?” Jean asked no-one in particular.

“Oh yeah,” Reiner cheered, lifting his hand up to Bertholdt for a high-five, the taller boy just stared at him.

“Someone had sex in your basement horse-face,” Ymir sneered, “Even without that escapade I think your house is semen-covered enough as it is.”

“Hey! What does that mean you freckled bitch!?” Jean retorted angrily, Marco cautiously placing a hand on his forearm.

“It means me and Historia found your porn mags you pervert,” Ymir replied, eyebrows raised, beside her Historia looked away, guiltily.

“You sure they weren't yours?” Connie asked from where him and Sasha sat chortling.

Armin watched the whole affair silently giggling as he wriggled further up between Eren's arms which had come to be wrapped around him.

Suddenly the door flew open, a body soaring through the air over the groups heads and colliding with the wall on the other side of the room. Right behind where Jean sat, Annie fell down to the floor in a crouch, glaring at Mikasa who stood watching her from the doorway.

Everyone's gaze flicked from one to the other. Annie still crouched at the back of the room sported a bloody nose and bruised knuckles. Mikasa, knuckles also bruised, sported a bloody lip and her shirt was visibly torn at the bottom.

“You whore,” Annie hissed, rising from her crouch so she stood over the group, somehow appearing tall despite her short stature, “It was you who had sex in the basement.”

Reiner gasped, Bertholdt started sweating twice as much as usual, Jean fainted, Marco yelped and Ymir gave Mikasa a pointed smirk and wink. Armin blinked up at Eren who blinked up at Mikasa who blinked back at him, then at Armin and then back at Annie.

“What?” she said.

The room fell silent. Jean came back to his senses with Marco holding him tightly to his chest.

“I saw you down there. With,” Annie paused, before dramatically turning her head to lock eyes with Sasha, “Braus,” she whispered.

Reiner gasped again, Bertholdt morphed into a salty waterfall, Jean passed out again, Marco screeched and Ymir gave Sasha a pointed smirk and wink.

Mikasa looked over at Sasha, who stared back at her. They both gulped in unison. Connie stared into space in front of him, eyes wide in horror with a tortured smile on his lips.

“Me and Mina were eating whipped cream from the can on the futon down there,” Sasha mumbled, with an awkward shift.

Annie's mouth dropped open slightly and she looked back over at Mikasa.

“Oh,” she said, “Oh ok.”

“We good now?” Mikasa asked.

Annie nodded, butting past an unconscious Jean and a sobbing Marco and making her way back to the door of the room.

“Want to finish our fight outside?” Annie asked, brushing past Mikasa's shoulder.

“Yeah sure,” Mikasa answered, following her out of the room and closing the door behind her.

Everyone stared silently at the closed door. The only sound in the room was the faint sobs of Marco as he desperately tried to shake Jean awake.

“You eat whip straight from the can?” Eren said to Sasha, disgust evident in his voice and facial expression.

The groups attention was switched from the door to Sasha.

“It... taste's better that way,” she said quietly, looking down at the floor guiltily.

Connie put a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

“It's okay Sash,” he whispered, “I get you.”

Sasha looked up at him, tears in her eyes and mouthed a thank you. Eren and Ymir both audibly scoffed, each holding their significant blonde in their arms. Marco was also holding his significant blonde in his arms but that didn't really count.

“Well,” Reiner interrupted, wiping tears from his eyes with the sleeve of Bertholdt's shirt, “Can I spin the bottle again yet?”

Ymir rose from where she sat, making a beeline over to Reiner and placing a hand on his shoulder. The buff boy looked up at her, tears still in his eyes.

“Spin my friend,” she sighed, “Spin like your life depends on it.”

Reiner smiled and nodded solemnly at her, placing his hand over hers.

“But don't fucking touch me,” Ymir then concluded, pulling her hand out from underneath his and going back to her original seat where she sat caressing Historia's hair.

Just a Reiner began to lean over to reach for the bottle again, his abs twitching as he moved, Bertholdt grabbed the leg of his trousers.

“Wait,” Bertholdt whispered, and everyone waited, he pointed to Jean's sleeping form still being cradled by Marco, “He's saying something.”

And Bertholdt was right. Quiet, hushed sounds where spilling from Jean's lips.

“What's he saying?” Armin tried to ask but it came out more like “Waha sayon?”

Eren however, fluent in all Armin dialect, leaned them both forward so they could try and hear. Then they heard it. The silent whispers of Jean Kirschtein. The words that would haunt the mare faced boy for the rest of his life.

“No homo, Marco,” he whispered in his dreamlike state as the freckled boys tears ran freely down his cheeks.

“No homo, Jean,” Marco replied just as quietly, leaning forward to rest his forehead on Jean's.

A single tear rolled down everyone's cheek simultaneously.

“R.I.P. Jean,” Sasha said mid-sob.

“I don't think he's dead,” Historia mumbled, Ymir shushing her and stroking her hand across the blonde girls face.

“He may not be dead,” Marco said, “But I died seventy chapters ago.”

Then Marco slowly started to fade out of the existence of this story.

“Well shit,” Connie huffed as Jean's head flopped down and collided with the floor.

“R.I.P. Marco,” Sasha corrected herself, still sobbing.

“Get over it,” Annie said, as she appeared outside the window despite the room being on the second floor, “He died seventy chapters ago. I'm not even dead but where the fuck am I in the story.”

“Shut the fuck up Annie,” Ymir stated with Annie shooting her a glare before returning to her duel outside with Mikasa.

Then suddenly Satan rose from the floor and into the room. Except it wasn't Satan, it was just Hajime Isayama painted red and wearing horns.

Satan Isayama let out a loud screech like laugh, causing the house to shake and a book to fly across the room just as Jean woke from his slumber and knocked him out unconscious again.

Satan Isayama held up his pitchfork, which had magically appeared and pointed it at Eren who still had Armin clutched tightly in his arms.

“You two shall drift apart!” he screeched, his voice so shrill and loud and horrifying it caused Reiner's trousers to disappear.

Eren screamed, clutching on to Armin tighter as the blonde boy stared at Satan Isayama in confusion.

“That shall never happen!” Eren yelled, shoving his hand over Armin's face, trying to cover his eyes from the sight that was the evil Satan Isayama, “We're best friends! We share the same dream! That will never happen!”

Satan Isayama roared, his body bursting into flames as he was defeated by the power of friendship. Suddenly Erwin Smith bursts through the door, Levi strapped to his chest in a baby carrier and a bucket of water in his hands. He tosses the water over the burning corpse of Satan Isayama.

They were safe for now from Satan Isayama. Thank you Erwin Smith and the power of friendship.


	2. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Part 2?" You ask, "Why would this need a part 2?"   
> "Because," I reply, tears streaming down my face, "This has been sitting in my documents for over a year and I have no clue what to do with it."  
> Also I just love Annie roping the boys into doing dumb shit. What nerds.

Eren takes the steps two at a time, stumbling ever so gracefully at the bottom and landing face first into the concrete floor of the basement. A low groan escapes him when his chest makes impact.

He quickly looks up, eyes darting back and forth to make sure no-one saw his pathetic blunder. Jean Kirschtein stares directly back at him from the opposite side of the basement, a can of whipped cream in his hand.

“What the-?” Eren manages to croak before wheezing and having to push himself up into a kneeling position.

“You should take up ballet,” Jean says with a laugh, turning to deface a cardboard box stacked against the wall with a whipped cream smiley face.

As soon as Kirschtein's done with the box he moves on to a dusty old T.V, this time drawing on a whipped cream dick.

The basement isn't Eren's luckily enough. It doesn't stop him from wondering why Jean is drawing cream dicks on every flat surface he can find. Before he can ask another set of footsteps is heard coming down the wooden set of stairs.

Annie almost completely ignores him as she walks past, the not-so-light kick she gives to his side the only recognition she shows. In her arms she carries a whole bundle of whipped cream cans which she dumps in the middle of the room.

“Yo Annie, pass me a new one!” Jean calls out over his shoulder, shaking the can he holds, “I'm almost out.”

There's an audible whack as the whip can hits the back of Jean's head. Eren, like the good friend he is, stifles a laugh.

“Jeez. What the hell?” Kirschtein groans, reaching down to pick the can off the floor whilst simultaneously rubbing his head.

Annie stares at him unflinchingly.

“You told me to pass you a new one,” she says in the same icy tone she always has.

She then turns, directing her glare to Eren whose hand is still up muffling his giggles. Her movements are quick, too quick for Eren to decipher and before he has a chance to react a cream nozzle is staring him directly in the face.

“Are you going help?” Annie asks, “Or do you just plan on watching?”

“I, uh...” Eren mumbles.

The girl takes a step back, eyes, and whip can, still trained on him lest he make a move to escape.

“Those are your only options,” she adds as she positions her finger, ready to release the load, “I can't risk you telling Mikasa about this.”

Eren nods his head quickly, acknowledging the fact that the situation he is in could be fatal. He's a witness now, might as well become an accomplice.

Annie shoves the can into his chest, taking a step back and giving him a knowing nod. And if Eren hadn't known any better he would've sworn he saw the start of smile creeping it's way to the corners of her lips.

“Spray any suitable surface you can find,” she orders, sauntering back over to the whip pile and swiping one up.

“Okay...” Eren mumbles mostly to himself, “Why are we doing this by the way?”

“Revenge,” Jean replies immediately, not looking up from his cream graffiti-ing, “If Sasha hadn't eaten whip straight out of the can at my house none of the shit that happened would've happened.”

Eren glances to the white substance adorning several boxes and dusty items of furniture the memory of last month still fresh in his mind. He sighs, letting the hand holding the cream fall to his side.

“It's not Sasha's fault Marco died Jean,” he calls, taking a seat on the bottom step of the basement stairs.

Jean's head snaps up, the fire of a thousand suns blazing in his eyes. His nostril's flare and his clutch on the can in his hand bends it in half.

“Wait who's Marco?” Historia asks, climbing out from under the basement stairs, hair a mess and the fly of her jeans is undone.

Eren jumps to his feet, aiming the can nozzle at her before realizing that she isn't in fact a ghost.

“He's the one with the freckles,” Annie answers from where she's half inside the tumble dryer, decorating the insides with white.

“I thought that was me?” Ymir says appearing from under the basement stairs behind Historia.

The taller girl's shirt is half undone and Eren has to mentally scold himself for looking in the first place. Historia shoots him a smile before turning around to face her girlfriend, it's a smile that surely means death.

“You're certainly the best person I know with freckles,” the small girl giggles, standing up on her tippy-toes to give Ymir a peck on the cheek.

“Oi!” Jean now yells, can held in the air and pointing at the girlfriends, tears begin the flow freely down his cheeks, “Marco was,” he gulps, “Marco IS the best person who ever had freckles.”

Historia pivots, hands going up to rest on her hips and the death smile back on her face. Ymir scoffs from behind her, crossing her arms across her chest and raising her eyebrows.

Kirschtein's adams apple bobs as he gulps. He turns slowly and cautiously sprays a new surface. Both Historia and Ymir puff out their chests, the smaller of the two letting out a huff of pride.

“Thought so,” she says.

There's a loud buzz from the back pocket of Eren's jeans and he reaches to grab his phone. Annie is in front of him in a matter of seconds, hand stretched out expectantly for the device.

“Pass it,” she orders.

“Can't I just check who it's from?” he requests with a whimper.

Her gaze is cold like ice but she gives him a curt nod and he swipes the phone unlocked.

The message is from Armin: _A whole group of you have gone missing ;A; Mikasa says if you're not back here in five minutes she'll start a search! Where are you??????? x_

Before he gets the chance to type a reply or even switch the phone off, Annie grabs it from him. Her eyes skim the message before she begins tapping onto the keypad.

“Hey!” Eren yelps only to have the phone, and sent message flashed in his face before the phone is pocketed.

_in the basement. come alone ;) xxxxx_

The weight of the world comes crashing down on him and he falls onto his ass, hard. Ymir and Historia have long since disappeared back under the staircase and Jean watches the pair curiously.

“Who was that then?” he asks, walking over to the can pile to grab a fresh one.

“Armin,” Annie replies with a shrug, licking a stray squirt of cream off her thumb and gazing at Eren, “He should be here any second.”

As if on cue the door to the basement flies open Armin tumbles down the stair, colliding with Eren at the bottom, sending them both sprawling into the centre of the room. He squeaks, grabbing Eren's head in his hands to make sure he's okay.

“I'm sorry, Eren. Are you okay?” he says before his eyes latch on Jean, and then Annie, “Oh,” he adds, “I thought it'd just be us.”

“Annie took my phone,” Eren explains, rubbing the heel of his hand over his forehead, “I wish it was just us.”

Armin flushes and behind him Eren hears Annie snort.

“Hey!” Jean shouts, demanding attention, “What's going on here? What did she send?”

“Armin and Eren are sucking each other's dicks,” Annie says nonchalantly with a shrug of her shoulders.

Jean gasps and shoots her a wide-eyed look of surprise before the information settles in and he swoons.

“Oh sweet jesus fucking christ you are kidding me,” Eren whispers and they all stare mournfully at Jean's unconscious form lying splayed out across the floor.

“He should really see someone about that,” Armin suggests, his hands are still on Eren's face, not that either of them mind.

They watch as Annie saunters over to the slumbering form, gives it a kick in the stomach for good luck and then picks up two cream cans and chucks them at her new accomplices.

“Get whipping,” she says.

One can hits Armin dead on the nose, the other Eren manages to skilfully catch in both hands. Annie gives him a nod of approval for the quick reaction. And Armin finally removes his hands from Eren's face to nurse his nosebleed.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> abrupt ending bc idk what to add.   
> might make a part 3 in several years and ya know, kill off all the other dead characters. lolololol.

**Author's Note:**

> i am sorry


End file.
